I dislike Christmas - or most other holidays for that matter. Before the egg heads get nutty - it's not because I had a horrible childhood or am some kind of anti-religious nut. I just don't get the satisfaction out of spending money on cards, gifts, decorations, or even worse - a TREE.
I am also not against people getting trees or chopping trees down - I could really give a flying crap. Do what you want. Yes, I had a tree when I was a kid - in fact, it was often taken to the most extreme level of holiday gayness - we actually went to tree farms and selected a tree and then cut it down - as a family.
I have escaped getting a tree for probably 7 years now. My boss (wife) likes to get a tree. I have gotten away with tearing out a picture of a tree from one of those silly housewife magazines and taping it over the fireplace. Even after the twins arrived (three years ago) I got away with not having a tree. This year, she put her foot down and like they say - you have to pick your battles.
Let's load the crumb snatchers into the mini-van, go down to Lowes and pick out a nice $50.00 tree. Not one too inexpensive (read cheap) and not one too expensive - just a nice middle of the road Noble Fir. Whatever. "OH YES - Please save the extra limbs cut from the bottom of the tree - I'm going to make a wreath! Craft time with the kids!" says the wife - cripes! - they're still sitting on top of the hose real where I left them a week ago.
Sling the thing up on top of the van hoping the sheet will protect the paint job on the 8 mile ride home going 70mph. Tie it down using my Deck Div mooring knots. I guess it was kind of funny looking at all the other nasty civilians in the parking lot with 18 straps and 14 ropes trying to get a tree to stay on their vehicle for the 2 block ride home. I'm positive that some trees were lost that night.
Get home - drink two beers - get the tree in the stand and put it in the living room and begin the decorating fun - with another beer. The baby - from here on out will be known as Baby Godzirra - wants to help too. There's a reason for that nickname. Can you hear the holiday cheer now?
OK - Trees up, lights, balls, all that crap. Two days goes by and the boss says - "The tree is dead and I want to get a new one". This thought was so ludicrous that I couldn't help but laugh. Saturday night she reminds me that we are going to get a new tree tomorrow - on Football Sunday - the Chargers play at 10am so we WILL be home by then - that was me putting my foot down.
Sunday morning - the wife says she called Lowes and they don't want the dead tree back - just bring in the receipt and get a new one. Perfect says me - I'll watch the kids, you head down to Lowes, flash a smile and push the hair out of your face and get one of this big, strong, tree lot attendants to load up a new tree in the back of the SUV. I'm not sure how but she falls for it - YOO HOO! Time for a beer. 20 minutes later she calls and says that they credited my credit card but won't let her buy a new one because she is not the card holder - cripes!
She gets home and I take one of the twins and go get another tree. They just received a load in the night before - and honestly - I didn't even bother looking at it - I just pointed at one the right price and type and told them to ring it up. I arrive home just in time for kick off and a beer.
I swap the tree out at half time. New tree looks fine - whatever. Chargers win and I still have some beer! Now it's time to hang the lights on the house - WHAT!!! - Lights on the house? I am really starting to dislike this holiday.
Now my neighbor, Joe shows up to gloat and laugh - UNTIL - I show him the "dead" tree - which by the way is perfectly acceptable to 99% of the world - and he says it's the best tree he's ever seen. IDEA! Joe can have the tree, and I won't have to dispose of the pig. My wife sees what we're up to and immediately calls Joe's wife to warn her. WTFO?!? We get the tree set up in Joe's tree stand out front of his house and hose it down so it looks nice. Joe's wife pulls up and sees the tree and is non-committal but I know that Joe is a cheap bastard and will somehow swing it - either way - possession is 9/10 of the law and now he is in charge of disposing of the tree!!
Bottom line - I dislike holidays - dislike getting a tree - and I had to get TWO trees. Hum Bug.
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